[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
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“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?