Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
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They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
I’d rather fork than spoon.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.