Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
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Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
I enjoy a good short stor
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”