Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
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Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.