My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
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It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I was just discussing this with my cat
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.