You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
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I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.