“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
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I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.