Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
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Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
This is always good for a laugh.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
this post was so formative to me
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.