Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
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Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
(2022)
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing