Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
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WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.