Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
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Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.