Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
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I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
I have a new favorite meme page
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything