I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
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*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Kids: Stay in school.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Chemical wingman
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.