After 35, your body ages in dog years
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It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo