ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
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I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Happy thanksgiving!
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.