PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
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A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person