That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
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Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same