AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
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My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
dream blunt rotation
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it