thinking about a very short hotdog
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[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Perfect
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?