Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
You Might Also Like
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.