Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
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“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.