Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
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I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade