I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
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A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Wake me when AI does housework
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”