My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
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Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
#catsoftwitter