God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
You Might Also Like
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.