my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
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cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.