I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
You Might Also Like
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Woke up against my better judgement again
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10