Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
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I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
sugar glider wrangler
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Here’s a meme
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?