Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
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I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.