*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
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A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.