If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
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Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.