My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
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My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.