When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
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*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Body by cheese-puffs.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.