For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
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WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
It’s the weekend y’all
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.