Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
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Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”