I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
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the battle rages on
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist: