Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
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[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
My ideal weight is five million dollars
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Introverted vegans go meetless
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Friday night party time 🥳
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping