Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
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ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?