I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
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ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked