[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
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FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
😂😂
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Before & after 😅
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
shampoo implies shampee
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return