Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
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Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.