Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
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She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
somebody come look at this
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?