Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
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My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️