DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
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Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
the last thing a carrot sees
that’s really how it is
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?