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it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*