Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
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With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
groan^2
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
[loses house key, starts a new life]
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.