Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
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I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.