I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
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*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.