When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
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Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.