If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
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How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Fiction has to make sense.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
This made me smile…
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
I wish all tests were things you peed on
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.